No matter what we included in the analyses, the answer was always the same – there were no consistent differences in how a person was judged depending on whether that person was dining solo vs. with one or more other people. (Bella DePaulo, Psychology Today)
I’m an old pro at dining by myself, mainly because I tend to be a defiant sort of single woman. If I want a good meal, why on earth should I let my lack of a dinner companion stop me from having one? And if someone wants to stare and make a judgment about what must be ‘wrong’ with me that I’m sitting there alone – well who the fuck are they that I should worry over their opinion?
Of course, as I’ve gotten older and more mellow (ha! ha!), it’s less about defiance than it is about where I am in my introvert/extrovert cycle1. When I worked in an office, I would go out to lunch or dinner quite often, because I needed that solitude after being in an office full of people all day2. Now that I work from home and am alone almost all the time, when I go out for a meal, I tend to look for someone to accompany me.
Ultimately, though, regardless of what DePaulo’s study reveals, we would all do better to realize that our anxiety isn’t really caused by what strangers might think about us in situations like this; but rather, it’s a direct result of the thoughts and judgments we ourselves hold about our single state. If we’re not comfortable with that situation, we project those feelings outward, and onto others.
1 I can go happily through long periods alone; and then talk your ear off for five hours when we hang out.
2 In all fairness, it didn’t hurt that my favorite spot was an Italian restaurant with a primarily male waitstaff who fawned all over me.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for your post about my solo dining piece for Psychology Today. I think you are right — our own feelings about being single are also important. There are so many myths about singles that make it sound like singlehood is shameful and getting married is the cure for all ills. I’ve tried to shatter those myths in my book (Singled Out) and in my writing for Psych Today and elsewhere.
Bella DePaulo
my favorite quote from an old (wise) person…
“you wouldnt care so much about what people thought of you if you knew how seldom they did.”
i always try to keep that in mind when im feeling self-conscious for no good reason.