One thing I’ve noticed among some women is a tendency either to prematurely assume that they’re having a “relationship” with a man despite evidence to the contrary, or to push for the guy to commit to having a relationship with them when all they’re doing is just dating.

That got me to thinking about what women should be looking for when they start feeling the urge to label what’s going on between them and a guy they’ve been seeing. Here’s what I came up with, between research and my own common sense:

• Four Month Minimum
• Frequency, Consistency, and Escalation
• Mutual Exclusivity
• Existence and Expression of Love
• Endurance Factor

Four Month Minimum

Most people in the first few months of dating can do a fairly good job of presenting themselves in a positive light, and so (to paraphrase from Chris Rock, I think), you’re not dating them, you’re dating their ambassador. Also, you’re perfectly willing to accept their ambassador at face value, because, in the early days and weeks of getting to know a potential partner, you’re predisposed to seeing only their positive traits.

As Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil describes in her book “Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples“, there are eight stages of relationships, and the first of these is the Euphoria Stage:

During the Euphoria Stage we are virtually blind to each other’s negative traits. We’re driven with our heart and our hormones, not our heads. We can’t make wise choices under these circumstances.

Since the Euphoria stage will typically last anywhere from three to six months, you’re jumping the gun if you start thinking in terms of a relationship during the first three months of seeing someone. Anyone can behave for a few hours at a time in the short-term. It’s only with passing time that people start to reveal who they are, and it’s only with passing time that our rose-colored glasses fade enough to see what they are showing us.

So, until you’ve been seeing him regularly and consistently for at least a four month period, don’t get ahead of yourself: you are still just dating, not in a relationship!

Frequency, Consistency, and Escalation

Even if you’ve been seeing each other for four months already, you also have to consider:

• how much time you’ve actually spent together since meeting
• how frequently and consistently you speak to and see each other
• whether or not the frequency and consistency has increased over time

If you’ve only seen each other a handful of times during the last four months, and hardly converse with one another during the in-between periods, you’re dating – but barely!

If you don’t speak daily, but see each other at least once or twice a week, you’re still just dating.

If you’ve progressed to where you speak to each other daily, see each other two to three times a week (or more), and have a mutual expectation that certain days (like weekends) will always be spent together, then you’re not just dating, you’re developing a relationship.

If you speak to each other daily, aren’t able to see each other more than perhaps once or twice a week due to other obligations (like business travel, or one or both of you has children), but still make an effort to get together as often as possible, I’d say you’re in good shape there too.

If you go days or weeks without speaking to each other, only see each other once a month, or once every two weeks, and aren’t making any efforts to increase the frequency of that pattern, then you’re not only not in a relationship, you’re not even moving toward one! You’re probably engaging in nothing more than a “friends with benefits” arrangement.

Mutual Exclusivity

Have you had a conversation in which you both willingly and happily agreed to be exclusive?¹

Have you stopped seeing other men, while he continues to see other women? (And why on earth did you do that? Get your ass back out there and date until he begs you to stop!)

If one or both of you are still seeing (not to mention sleeping with) other people, you are not in a relationship!

Existence and Expression of Love

If you’re in love with him, but he’s not in love with you, you do not have a relationship.

If you’re in love with him, but don’t know if he’s in love with you, you do not have a relationship.

Some women will try to piece together clues about a man’s feelings in order to determine whether he is in love. While you can probably get a reasonable idea of how he might feel, you can’t rely on this too much because it’s an interpretation which is heavily influenced by your desire to be loved by him. So, it’s rather important that he has actually expressed his love to you in his own words in order for you to be absolutely sure.

Since every man has a different comfort level with emotional expression, it may not be something he says every day or even every week after it initially comes out; but if his feelings for you are significant in any way, he will want to make sure you know that your status in his life is beyond the casual.

Endurance Factor

When we are in Euphoria, we are blinded by our infatuation and fooled by the popular belief that this surge of emotions and hormones is love.

Remember that the Euphoria Stage can last anywhere from three to six months. After it ends, you each start to relax and expose more of yourselves to one another; you start losing the blinders; you regain your ability to make wise choices; and you aren’t as affected by those surging hormones.

So, even if you’ve both already said “I love you”, the reality is you might have simply been fooled by infatuation fueled by lust. It’s what happens after the infatuation glow recedes, and how the two of you handle your new “vision”, which begins to shine light on the truth of your feelings for one another.

Love takes time to develop, and it endures over time once it blooms, even in the face of discovering your partner’s imperfections and quirks. Until you’ve been with each other for close to a year, love – and the relationship that comes with it – may not be there just yet.

So, there you have it. How does your “relationship” stack up?

¹While I’m not a proponent of women initiating “The Talk” with a man, if he hasn’t brought it up himself by the end of the fourth month, I’d probably start becoming concerned. And if it’s been six months, I’d be very concerned!

When a relationship ends, women often spend a great deal of time asking themselves “Why?” and wondering if there is something inherently wrong with them which makes finding love so difficult. Here’s some useful wisdom that you can apply during those times when you start to question yourself in this way:

Don’t ask why. Ask what. What do you want from a man who loves you? And what did you get instead? That is all you need to know. Think about it. When you were dreaming about Mr. Right, did he forget to call you for weeks on end? Did he see other women? Did he spend more time with his buddies drinking beer and shooting pool than with you? Of course not. So he can’t be all that “right” for you, can he? Your dream man would never treat you so badly. So it follows that you should never let a real-life man treat you so badly either.

It’s time to see him as he is – Mr Wrong – not as you want him to be. Remember to look at his behavior as information about him, not as information about you. What did the behavior reveal about his attitudes, considerations, or intelligence? Was he as “ideal” as you had imagined? If you had not been the woman involved, what would you have thought of his behavior?

Does all this mean we should never work on ourselves at all? Of course not. But here’s the rule: make changes only to make yourself happy – not to get the guy or so that the next guy will find you more lovable. And at the very least, every time you don’t become some man’s loved one, make sure you treat yourself as your own loved one. Take good care of yourself until your perspective and energy are restored. Treat yourself just as you would have liked him to treat you. Reassure yourself that you are worth it. And don’t ask why. The only explanation you need is it’s not you, it’s him.

(From It’s Not You, It’s Him: The Zero-Tolerance Approach to Dating)